November 19, 2008

I know I’ve already written quite a bit about cookie dough, but I have one last thing to say about it, and then I’ll be done!

The cookie dough is gone. The batch that was made on Saturday and put in the fridge to “nibble” on- gone! I’d like to be able to say that I baked the cookies and gave them to the needy. Or that I was resilient and just tossed the dough to prevent myself from binging. You know, the usual things that all those magazines tell you to do when you’ve got junk food in your house. But I didn’t. Instead, I ate pretty much an entire batch of cookie dough in the space of four days (we’re bringing a whole new meaning to Sojourner Truth’s Aren’t I a Woman?! If any man out there would do this, please, speak up!). I did throw out the very last bit, but honestly that’s because the dough wasn’t mixed completely so it was just big lumps of brown sugar at the bottom of the bowl. Somehow that’s not quite as edible as when it’s combined with butter and flour and chocolate chips. Yummy.

For the record, at this point either I have a stomach of steel or else salmonella poisoning is just a myth.

Binging is not good, I think we can all agree on that. But if you are going to binge, you’ve got to do it right (and I’m not talking here about binging on a consistent basis or anything; I’m talking about a random, infrequent binge that has nothing to do with disordered eating or anything like that. That’s a whole different story).

Months ago, I wrote about how I had an enormous craving for chocolate, but was determined to stave it off so I ate smoked mussels instead. All that happened was I ate lots of other kinds of food, and then gave in and had lots of chocolate anyways. Man, did that ever backfire.

So when I was sitting in class today and trying to concentrate but found that all I could think about was cookiedoughcookiedoughcookiedough, I knew that the only way I could solve my problem was to get rid of that cookie dough. Get it out of the house. And so I did just that. By putting it in my tummy.

Mentally, this was actually a very good test for me. I was so proud of myself for not freaking out about it afterward that I really felt much better. Well, my body didn’t physically feel so good. But my mind was at ease. Identifying what the problem was- having the cookie dough in the house- and then solving the problem- removing said cookie dough from the house- is an important part about figuring out our vices and dealing with them. And especially with my anxieties regarding food, this was a huge accomplishment for me to be able to do this and be calm and recognize that I can start fresh tomorrow, completely cookie dough free!

Everyone is going to have their own way of dealing with these issues. For me, this way works. I don’t so much have a problem with getting these things quickly out of the house via my stomach because I know that they won’t be around again for a long time. And I really, really wanted it. So I have my craving, go beyond satisfying it, feel slightly ill for having more than satisfied it, and then can put it from my mind and carry on my merry way. I think that if the cookie dough were still in the fridge I’d be distracted by it for the next week.

We talk a lot about how to physically “repair the damage” of a binge- but what about mentally? It’s always been the mental aspect that has been my main problem. I’d inwardly be kicking myself for something like this and be so anxious and ashamed that I would just feel awful for a long time. But I seem to be moving past these mental obstacles. And it’s a good thing, too, because I don’t think I could physically take any more testing- my head is hurting quite enough as it is from all that sugar! Am hoping my arteries aren’t too clogged with butter, either:)

What are your tips for handling these kinds of situations? How do you mentally prepare for them, and how do you mentally deal with it after the fact?


  1. Never was a fan of cookie dough! Have gone through some Ice Cream, however! Now? If I have to, I go for low calorie, high volumn stuff, like air-popped popcorn.

  2. Four days? It would have been gone in two at my house. Easy.

    BIG congrats for handling this the way you did, it shows such strength and sanity!! I’ve started to accept that I will overindulge around certain foods at certain times, we ALL do, but dealing with the aftermath is a practice-makes-perfect thing.

    I look at my boyfriend as the greatest example of guilt-free binging. He eats sensibly (is vegan) all of the time, and is at a very healthy weight. But every now and again he has something sweet or indulgent and he goes CRAZY for it. Like the coconut cake I made him for his birthday. He just kept going back for another slice. But he just laughed about it afterwards and said how much fun he’d had scoffing. Food is just NOT emotionally loaded for him at all. Next day, he just goes back to normal eating, no bother, no stress.

    TA x

  3. Congratulations on getting rid of that cookie dough! (and if there were no eggs in it, no worries about salmonella).
    I think you handled things very well. There are times we all need a little self-indulgence, and, as long as you recognize it for what it is and don’t do it all the time, it’s okay.
    Everything in moderation (even binges!)

  4. Wow, I definitely can relate to your post. Like for me, potato chips are one of my downfalls. And in the past, I would try to think that something else could be compensated for it (just like you did for chocolate), but the same thing happened to me – I ended up just eating a lot of things in hopes that I could just get the craving of potato chips gone, when in fact, I ate way more than if I were just to down a bag!

    I used to beat myself up mentally about these road blocks, but lately, I try to rationalize as to why I did what I did, and what I can do next time if I were in the same situation. I must commemorate you for not “freaking out” afterwards too. Sometimes you just got to do what you have to do. And beating yourself up for it won’t change the situation, nor will it turn back time.

    And no, I don’t think your arteries are clogged. No worries there. πŸ˜‰

  5. i hate cookie dough! i know, it sounds insane. but i do.

    just read your dad’s post. my oh my. jellyfish?!?! ick!

  6. Mmmm.. cookie dough!

    I definitely know what you mean about doing it the “right way”, but for me I often binge as a result of stress.

    Eating lots of cookie dough because you’re happy and it tastes yummy = okay. Eating everything in the house because you’re so worried about XYZ = not good.


  7. haha- o dp that all the time “if i eat it all right now, it wont be around to tempt me later.”

    I dont get food guilt much anymore so once i eat it, its over and done with, and i forget about it but i coud see how this would detrimental to people who have issues with food guilt. your body equipt to handle a ton of food all at once. and if you think about it- to gain a pound you have to eat 3500 EXTRA calories. even if you do, thats still only pound, you can lose that a few days of eating normally again.

    Kelly Turner

  8. Dr. J- has got to be the female thing:) ADORE air-popped popcorn.

    TA- that’s great that he can do that. It’s wonderful to reach that point! Dealing with the aftermath is totally something that we all need to work on but once we’ve got it- we’ve got it.

    Bag Lady- yep, there was eggs in there. Guess my immune systems just really good hehe.

    Sharon- the other thing about getting too emotional about it is that its more likely to happen again a lot quicker, I think. Because then you’re obsessing over it. Am glad that you’re getting past it too!

    Rhodeygirl- you are one lucky girl to hate cookie dough:)

    Ashley- EXACTLY. I knew that you’d know what I’m talking about!

    Kelly- yes. And must admit that knowing that is part of what has kept me very calm. Anyway, we need to banish food guilt for sure.

  9. I don’t think I’ve ever binged unless it was emotionally charged. Since I know this about myself, if I feel like I’m craving something so so bad and can feel myself wanting to binge I journal or go for a run. Something that takes me away from the kitchen, and without money to buy something naughty.

    I know some people think that the ocassional binge is ok, but I just can’t feel ok about doing that to myself – not for the physical reason (although I hate tummy aches), but for the mental reason. I have a hard time being ok with knowing that I just ate in order to fill an emotional void. I feel dissapointed that I didn’t try to tackle the actual problem instead of just bury it in food.

    I’m not trying to sound preachy at all… I just cannot handle the mental reprecussions of binging so I try to remind myself of that whenever I have the urge. I also chew looooots of gum when I’m craving stuff but am full.

  10. Sagan, just move on. You will have better (albeit heavier) days ahead.

  11. Hang in there, girl!!!!

  12. Oh, but I could go on for ever on this topic (both cookie dough and binges!)…. πŸ™‚

    SO many things you said are exactly what I've experienced….did you ever see the episode of Sex & the City where Miranda eats cake from the trash?! Sometimes I throw trigger foods away and – this sounds so crazy – I spray cleaning stuff on it! Then I KNOW for sure I'm not going to touch it.

    Right now I'm at the point where I can't have "trigger" foods at my house (candy, cookie dough, cookies…) and if I do, I make sure to take them into work or have the roomie eat them. πŸ™‚

    As far as after the fact…the guilt is the hardest thing for me. After a day or two of eating healthy I'm totally fine, but I do tend to beat myself up for it. Just know that you are not alone, you're certainly not the only one who does this, and each day is a new chance to eat healthy (that sounds v. cliche but it's how I have to think of it!).

  13. I’m dealing with the same issue right now. That cookie dough wouldn’t have lasted a day in my house. I do the same thing as far as your mind focusing on it so much. It’s crazy because you know how you’re going to feel afterwards, but at the time of binging, you don’t care. I completely understand. I wish I could handle it much better mentally…it’s a work in progress I guess.

  14. I just have to echo everything TA said. Kudos to you on handling it so well and staying in such a positive mental place. You are my hero!

  15. I dont keep things like that in the house, luckly I’ve never been a fan of chocolate but I do like sweet things. I went through a phase of only having oatmeal with honey, it was great but I wouldn’t eat it without. So now I only buy the honey occasionally (but still every month).

    I’m pretty strong round the supermarket too, going on the fact that I just want to get out of there as soon as possible I tend not to buy anything I’ll regret having in the house later.

    … But I did have a big slice of my little sisters birthday cake yesterday. mmm

  16. Catherine- you aren’t preachy at all. When there’s emotions involved, then I completely agree with you. And even if there’s not I certainly don’t condone binging- but if its going to happen, its good to try to get ourselves into a mindset in which we can deal with it.

    Holly- thank you! I can’t have those kinds of foods around either. I think I better youtube that episode:)

    Strongandhealthy- we’re always a work in progress! That’s what makes us so fantastic:)

    Charlotte- HUGS

    Jack- I’m also really good at the supermarket. It’s when things are in the house- they just call your name! yum birthday cake.

  17. This is how I look at it, and how I suggest others, too:

    You ate cookie dough. That is completely normal. This is in the past, and now you look at it as a little part of your life, which as your mentioned on your title page, is going to be a long time.

    Kudos on not feeling guilty. I am all too familiar for dwelling on something that “I should not have eaten”. I think, “well, fucker, (ed) I am not going to purge you. I am going to keep you in my body and trust my body to work out the kinks.”

    I think tokaiangel brings up a good point–men are very different. I remember reading an article that said how to “eat like a man”. they rarely have emotional connections with food….but if we already do, we can work them out. You have a great mindset…I especially love the fact that you ate some with your sis!

  18. I would also like to point out that i "binged" (and purged, too) when I was sick, when I would hit a really low weight after restricting for soo long, and my body was ACHING for food..so i'd go out of control on peanut butter, m&m's, cookie dough, trail mix, and cereal. Those days are over, now that I am at a healthy weight, I eat what I want in moderation. And yeah, that means sometimes eating a little to much pizza or too little turkey. It always evens out in the end. our bodies strive for consistency.

  19. Way to persevere! I have to keep ice cream out of my home! Or else!:)

  20. I’m the same exact way I have to eat it til it’s gone! I think the best thing for me to do is keep it out of the house and if I do get a craving, tell myself I’ll eat it tomorrow! Hoping that by tomorrow I will be on to something else. The only way to handle a binge mentally, accept it and move on. Can’t change it! Can only decide how you will move forward after it!

  21. Lee- love your “I am not going to purge you. I am going to keep you in my body”: thank you for that. And am so glad that you have come so far! Also there’s such a difference when you’re doing it with someone and in an okay place emotionally as opposed to feeling miserable and doing in secret, isn’t there?

    Mark- no ice cream for this girl in the winter- its all about the hot chocolate, popcorn, and home baked goodies:D

    Natalia- you’re so right. And reminding yourself that there’s still tomorrow is a huge help.

  22. Hope you’re feeling better post batter binge. πŸ™‚ I never skip on dark chocolate though…if I wants…I eats. πŸ˜€

  23. Now I don’t know if this is the same thing, but I used to like Rum and Coke during my younger days.
    That would be my order and I would have 2 or 3 during a night while playing darts or pool. On my 25th birthday, all my friends got together and decided to by me way too many of those drinks. Needless to say I gave all them back as well as my dinner. I had so many that I can’t even get close to a rum and Coke any more.
    So with this logic, maybe you needed to make some more and eat until you hate this stuff. πŸ™‚

  24. Squawkfox- Good mentality!

    Tom- thanks for reading- and I definitely know what you mean about that! I once had ice cream cake when I was ill and ever since then I can’t look at ice cream cake without shuddering a little. And keep all that hard liquor away from me! Tossing back those shots for such a long time (I mean, no no, I’d never drink underage) means that I can’t even handle the smell of tequila anymore, hehe.

  25. I love raw ingredients too, like cookie dough and uncooked cake batter. I know I have to throw it in the oven RIGHT AWAY, and then when it’s all cooked I have to GIVE MOST OF THE RESULTS AWAY OR ELSE I WILL EAT IT.

    Great post, Sagan.

  26. Well, I think if you, me or many others could think about the siutation rationally (ie. it’s just cookie dough – sugar, eggs, butter), then we wouldn;t have to ask what to do after. But, we do, so I think the best thing is to just move on. Forget it. You (I, anyone) made a decision and now it’s over. I just try to be the best me I can be each day when I get up. That’s all you can do.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: